Friday, August 11, 2006

Top 10 things to do when I am the MS overlord

The first few things I need to know about being an MS overlord I learned from Peter's Evil Overlord List with only minor changes:

1. I will not announce the plan to destroy my enemies years before I can execute it.

2. No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of complete market domination, I will not attack all my enemies simultaneously.

3. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. I will never be as smart as Sergey and Larry or as cool as Steve Jobs, so I won't even try.

4. I will not go into a rage and throw a chair at a messenger bearing bad news. My minions will learn that an unpleasant truth is a lot less painful than a happy lie.

5. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not praise them for a good effort, promote their leaders, and hope they do better next time.

6. I will not strike a bargain with a European entity then ignore its terms simply because I feel like being contrary.

7. If Wall Street asks "Why are you risking billions of your cash hoard on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies SOMEBODY.

8. I will not approve any product plan in which the steps to success are horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the Avalon Stones of Power on the Indigo altar then activate the univeral data store at the moment of Sun's eclipse by Linux." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Fix the bugs, add features that solve real people's problems, and ship in two years."

9. I will instruct my developers to attack the enemy en masse, instead of sitting around having meetings to decide which leaders should get credit for the victory.

10. I will treat any customer which I acquired through market domination with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hired!

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Ray Myers said...

Lionel, You da' man!

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Number 11: I will force my VPs, CxOs, PMs and GMs to sit through the entire 4 series of BBC sitcom "Ever Decreasing Circles" until they understand it.

That way I hope to exterminate useless meetings and the people who attend them.

9:12 PM  

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