Wednesday, September 27, 2006

One thing I will never do

"affirming that if we're not succeeding at something then the only option is to keep coming, coming, coming and driving it until we are a success".

If one of my lackey VP's ever advises me to "stay the course" on a failed policy, I'll arrange to have him airlifted to the top of Mt. Baker, strapped to a sled, and shoved down a glacier. Stay the course and die spectacularly, or fall over and get banged up a bit? We can discuss the results in the hospital or funeral home afterwards.

I guess the good news here is that I'm one step closer to my goal of Microsoft Overlordship now that SteveB seems to be practicing for his next career as a cheerleader in the Bush administration.

Friday, August 11, 2006

A few more things to do when I am MS Overlord

11. I will encourage my lieutenants to initiate new projects, but I will shut down those that do not meet reasonable expectations after a decent amount of time. I will not punish those who innovate and fail, but I will not let them pretend that success will come Real Soon Now if they can just keep pouring my money down their rathole.

12. After one of my underlords reports on the status of a project, I will locate the minions doing the actual work, take them out for drinks, and determine what the real story is. If that story differs significantly from the report, the underlord will be reporting to the unemployment office.

13. I will evaluate proposals based on how likely they are to succeed, not on how great things would be if they did possibly succeed.

14. If a team puts more effort into planning than executing a project, I will execute the planners.

15. If my henchmen call a fire drill to just keep the minions on their toes, I'll fire the fire drillers.

16. I promise that people who promulgate pointlessly painful processes will be provided with a plentitude of pain.

17. Henchmen who spend more time managing their careers than managing their organization will find themselves managing the Bagdhad office.

Top 10 things to do when I am the MS overlord

The first few things I need to know about being an MS overlord I learned from Peter's Evil Overlord List with only minor changes:

1. I will not announce the plan to destroy my enemies years before I can execute it.

2. No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of complete market domination, I will not attack all my enemies simultaneously.

3. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. I will never be as smart as Sergey and Larry or as cool as Steve Jobs, so I won't even try.

4. I will not go into a rage and throw a chair at a messenger bearing bad news. My minions will learn that an unpleasant truth is a lot less painful than a happy lie.

5. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not praise them for a good effort, promote their leaders, and hope they do better next time.

6. I will not strike a bargain with a European entity then ignore its terms simply because I feel like being contrary.

7. If Wall Street asks "Why are you risking billions of your cash hoard on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies SOMEBODY.

8. I will not approve any product plan in which the steps to success are horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the Avalon Stones of Power on the Indigo altar then activate the univeral data store at the moment of Sun's eclipse by Linux." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Fix the bugs, add features that solve real people's problems, and ship in two years."

9. I will instruct my developers to attack the enemy en masse, instead of sitting around having meetings to decide which leaders should get credit for the victory.

10. I will treat any customer which I acquired through market domination with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.